When I first started questioning my gender identity, I found a community of transmen on this online diary website called Live Journal. I was floundering so much for a sense of community and I was so excited to find them, but it actually turned out to be a disaster for a lot of reasons that I won’t go into. However, I have found a great community here in my city of Philly, so I’m happy now and that’s all that counts. But I’ve decided to share with you some of my journal entries from the early days of my gender questioning.
First Journal Issue:
November 5th, 2009
My name is R. and I’m working through some personal issues right now. The biggest one is trying to define myself better in terms of gender, and deciding whether or not I should transition from female to male.
I suppose that I consider myself transgendered – I probably most identify as female-bodied, masculine-gendered lesbian, but the biggest question for me is: am I comfortable here? I’ve spent a lot of time in my life wishing that I was a guy, but I’ve also been living my life for the past (almost) 24 years as female-bodied and typically identified by the public as female. While most of my friends still use female pronouns and describe me as a girl, I know the see me as a masculine entity and are creeped out at the thought of me wearing dresses or doing anything girly! 🙂
Livejournal has been the best online resource I’ve found so far in terms of forums and actual FTM people out there who can probably help me. Even if I don’t transition, I feel a very strong affinity for the transgendered and transexual communities and it’s my hope that somehow I can do something to right for their rights, as well as the rest of the queer community.
*Note: Since this journal entry I’ve learned that Transgender is an adjective, not a noun. I am not “transgendered,” I am a transgender person. It also isn’t a verb: I am not transgendering, I am transitioning to male.