I am writing because I need to share something with you. Most of you know that I’ve been struggling for a few years with issues of gender identity.
I’ve gone through about two years of struggle, sadness, introspection and self-actualization and the conclusion that I’ve come to that transitioning to male and identifying as a transman will bring me peace and happiness.
I’ve shortened my name to Rae (which most of you call me anyway), I am now asking you to use male pronouns when referring to me (he/his/him) and I will be physically changing my appearance with chest masculinzation surgery and testosterone hormone therapy.
Making these decisions and coming out (I am out to my family, some friends, and my employer and coworkers) has already eased what at times has felt like the weight of the world on my shoulders. Depression symptoms, moodiness, substance abuse and anger issues that I had have been dealing with since age 13 have almost vanished into thin air. While I do suspect that those will be lingering problems throughout my lifetime and transitioning is not a “cure-all,” I am living life with a clarity of peace that I have never experienced before. It feels amazing, too.
I want you all to know that this isn’t something that is a spontaneous or poorly thought-out decision. I’ve been seeing a therapist for about a year and half and even had to get a written letter of approval before I could consult with a surgeon about chest surgery. I’ve worked this out with my therapist, close friends, partner and my family. I’ve taken my time to make sure this is what I really want to do with my life, and it has become clear to me that this is what I need to do in order to survive. I’m sad to tell you that at the peak of all my confusion about my gender identity, I seriously considered taking my own life.
Although we aren’t as close as we once were, I love you all and value you all so much. I hope know that you’re all amazing, open-minded people, and I hope that you will continue to love me for my soul. I am changing my body, but my soul is staying the same – just getting bigger, brighter, better and ready to love as fiercely and as unmercifully as possible.
Hope to hear from you,
I wrote this email for a few close college friends, but I wanted to share it with all my friends who visit this site.